Tulle Talk

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I know a year has gone by since I last posted (...get it? i cant help myself), but in my defense, the holidays really are taxing, what with the mandatory all-day-pj binges, family parties, food, booze, and being happy. PLUS, I've just started a new job. YAY! yay. yay? Right now its more of a ya..................y . Don't get me wrong, I am so fortunate to have a job, and am extremely excited for whats to come, but right now its in that stage like freshman year of college when your parents move you in and helped you organize all your stuff, while, naturally your roommate already knows 17 people. So she is off already having fun and you are just stuck reorganizing everything thats already organized and awkwardly opening your mouth to say something to someone passing, just in time for someone else to beat you to it. Its miserable. I remember when I went to college, everyone told me not to be worried if my roommate didn't turn out to be my best friend. What no one wants to say is, don't worry if you and your roommate aren't speaking by the second month of school and just the fact that she breathes the same air as you annoys you. So today, I came home from my second day, and naturally cried because its really my only defense mechanism. Everyone tells you how exciting it is to get a job and is so proud of you and wants to know when your 401k is vested...but no one tells you its really hard the first couple of days. Especially in my case, as I am at a smaller marketing agency, and I am literally taking time out of busy days to require training or ask simple questions. So, I just sit, smile, and try not to get in the way. I think about all the questions I wish I were asking but feel too trivial to ask. Like: is lunch really an hour, or is that just for people who are not busy, which does not seem like my department, and... what exactly is an appropriate time to leave if I really don't have anything to work on, and are people noticing how many times I'm getting up to use the bathroom? Or why do people generally avoid my direction, and did they feel this way when they got hired, and did I choose the right field, am I really going to be able to do the things they say I will be able to do? And where do I get pens and notebooks and is it weird if I decorate my cube? AND THEY JUST DON'T END. And no one tells you how hard it is. I know that in a month, I will look back and this will seem ridiculous and I will call myself dramatic, but right now, this is a serious reality, and seriously upsetting. and lonely. at least in college there are a few other people who feel the same way, and some brave enough to tell you. But in an office environment, while friendships will hopefully form, right now its all business. Everyone who has gone through what you're feeling either doesn't remember it, its too busy to tell you about it, or doesn't feel close enough to ask you about it. And the people on my team seem really nice, and have been really, really, nice...but in passing, or in offering me some leftover candy. So, tomorrow is the last day of my first week, and I'm really hoping for the best. It will get better, because 2013 is my year, and frankly, it has to. And I really do think I will enjoy what I am doing, and I'm sure there will be times where I look back at this week or first couple of weeks with envy because I will be too busy to think straight. Until then, wish me luck!

P.S. I resolved not to make resolutions, but just to try to better myself in general. Those may or may not include to get healthy. meaning less fries and WAYYY more hours logged at the gym. more blogging, and learning fancy blogging things, finish my 1001 in 101 list, have more firsts, less complaining, be more random acts of kindness.

xoxo,
Alex